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Benny Rogosnitzky Offers Three Tips for Divorcees with Children During a Holiday

portrait of a father and two sons on the beach

 

As you are well aware, this is a major week for billions of people in the world. Those who are practicing Jews are in the middle of Passover right now. Passover started on Sunday night and will continue until Saturday. Christians around the world will be mourning the loss of Jesus on Good Friday in two days and celebrating Easter on Sunday.

It is a very spiritual week and one that can be gut-wrenching if you have recently gone through a divorce. As many holidays are based on spending time with those you love, it can be difficult, in the beginning especially, to celebrate when so many other things are going on in your life.

Benny Rogosnitzky understands divorce very well, and he has to do the whole thing where he splits holidays with his wife. He has spent Seders without his children, and he understands how difficult not having your children around you during a holiday can be. This is partially the reason why he helped found Frum Divorce. He wanted to help parents and children come and start putting the pieces back together. If you are going through your own situation right now, Benny Rogostnitzky has plenty of insight. Here are a few things to keep in mind:

Make Sure the Kids Are the Most Important Things on Your Mind: No talk about the divorce, lawyers, or what went wrong. This could be a trying time for your kids so it’s important to keep the focus on them.

Plan Things Ahead of Time: You won’t be used to this new arrangement so the best way to avoid making a major mistake is by setting up a plan ahead of time, including places to go, foods, and things to do.

Be Flexible: A plan is good thing, but know that things could occur that will necessitate some changes. Be ready to alter course if needed.

Three Tips for Telling Your Children You’re Getting a Divorce

Sad children and parents turned away from each other

 

When parents get divorced, their children will be affected; there’s  no question about it. However, in most cases, parents ultimately decide that getting a divorce is the best decision not only for themselves but their children as well. If you and your spouse decide that the home environment is too toxic to remain together, telling your children will not be easy – nor should it be. But there are things you can do together to make sure the process goes as smoothly as possible. Here are several things to keep in mind:

 

Tell the Truth about What Will Happen Next: Before you decide to tell your children, it’s important to have a discussion about what happens next in the transition. Your children will have anxieties so setting realistic expectations and following through on those expectations is very important in keeping them calm. The goal is to present a unified front where promises aren’t made that can be broken.

 

Don’t Play the Blame Game or Offer Sensitive Details: Your children will want to know why you are getting a divorce. First and foremost, it’s important to reassure them that it’s not their fault. At the same time, though, you shouldn’t assign blame to one person as this could cause your children to choose sides. Instead, you should only offer relevant information on things you feel your children need to know and avoid any badmouthing or overburdening them with too many details.

 

Ask for Help: It’s not a sign of weakness if you decide to ask for help. Benny Rogosnitzky co-founded Frum Divorce, for example, to help frum families in their time of need. Benny Rogosnitzky knows divorce can be extremely difficult for everyone involved, and Frum Divorce offers a variety of programs for children in particular. This is just one organization that can provide help. You can also seek assistance from family and friends, a rabbi or another religious figure, or a professional mental clinician who specializes in family issues.

How to Support a Friend Dealing with Divorce

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The end of any relationship is painful, but divorce is particularly difficult, especially for frum divorce families. Along with the emotional pain of divorce, there’s the nightmare of dividing up the assets and the child custody discussions when kids are involved. No person should have to go through divorce alone. Benny Rogosnitzky of Frum Divorce shares four ways you can help a friend cope with divorce.

Respect their privacy

Don’t pry your friend for information about their breakup. Divorce is a private matter, and if they want to tell you about what they’re going through, they will. Otherwise, don’t press them. Respect their privacy and make yourself available to listen when they want to talk.

Don’t be judgmental

In the Jewish community where marriage is so sacred, it can be easy to judge someone for their divorce. However, everyone has their reasons for getting divorced, and you shouldn’t hold that against them. Your friend may also feel embarrassed and ashamed. According to Benny Rogosnitzky, you should focus on being supportive and understanding and helping them build a brighter future for themselves and their family.

Offer your help

When you tell your friend, “let me know how I can help,” you put them in the position of needing to reach out to you for assistance. Many people don’t want to be a burden and won’t ask for help though they need it. Rather than asking a friend what you can do, suggest ways you can assist them. Offer to take them out to lunch, drive the kids to school, or do the grocery shopping. This will help lessen the burden on your friend.

Invite them to do things

To keep your friend from dwelling on their sorrow or loss of security, keep them socially engaged. Invite your friend to participate in social activities with you. While they won’t say yes to everything you invite them do, don’t stop inviting them. They’ll participate when they’re ready and appreciate being included.

 

Benny Rogosnitzky and Frum Divorce

Benny Rogosnitzky is a founder of Frum Divorce, a community-support organization providing frum divorce families and single parents with the support they need to overcome the trauma, emotional fallout, and loss of security often experienced during a divorce, so they can embark on creating a positive, enduring new beginning. Through support groups, community lectures, and popular events, Benny Rogosnitzky and Frum Divorce are committed to helping heal the pain felt by parents and children going through the difficult divorce process.

Especially among the religious, divorce is an ugly word that represents the breakup of a marriage— a cornerstone of Jewish life. Because of the negative stigma associated with divorce, many divorce families feel isolated, shameful, and alone. And, divorce doesn’t just affect the parents; it severely impacts the children too.

Divorce is becoming more common in Jewish communities. Between 2002 and 2011, the divorce rate rose by 22%, according to the UJA-Federation of New York’s 2011 Community Study. The divorce rate among Orthodox Jews increased by 20% in Brooklyn, the study found.

Frum Divorce was founded to provide a supportive environment for frum divorcees and children so they can overcome the trauma, panic and loss of divorce. To learn more about Frum Divorce, visit www.frumdivorce.org.